literature

Stained Veil: Chapter 8

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"How many of you are there?" Asked Lexi "Do the math yourself." Scolded a recruit. Lexi reloaded her Uzi "Ok! I'll do it! So there were 70 Flamethrower gangsters then 10 to 15 of us died then you had 40 escapees then like 5 died so its at least 95 men you have Lexi." Estimated the recruit. "How much land do we control?" Asked Lexi, "Umm, strectching from 474 Fulton St to 300 Schermerhorn St." Answered a recruit. "I'm sure we could stretch to 61 Nevins St." Thought Lexi "But I like living near IHOP." Complained a recruit. "Oh! Don't forget that japanese place, Ganster Bombin'?" Added another recruit, "I'm sure its not Gangster Bombin'." Replied another recruit. "Its Ganso Ramen fools!" Shouted Lexi. "And we should not be talking about food right now! We are talking about getting more land!" "Now head to Nevins St. and get us more land!" 20 armed men marched Southeast at her will. "Commissioner Waynor, can I take the day off?" Requested Ellsnorth. "Fine, you may." Answered Waynor. Ellsnorth walked out the door and saw on the other side of the street a sign saying "Belinda the 3rd Eye, want to get ahead of fate? Then you have came to the right place!" To her it seemed like a fortune teller establishment. She walked inside to see a woman in a purple and golden cloak with dark black hair to complement it. "Hello, what do you seek in this small shack of mystic things and more?" Asked the woman, "I want to see what fate holds." Ellsnorth answered, the lady grinned, "The gift that you await young child? Come, sit with me to have a peek of your new toy." Invited the lady, Ellsnorth sat on the chair in front of her then she brought out a deck of cards in front of her, "Blow on it. Then pulled a card out." Instructed the lady. She gave a light blow upon the deck, then she pulled a card out, it was an ace of spades, "Misfortune for you, it is worse actually misfortune upon New York and it's residents the gangs have a new rule. It spells chaos upon us all!" Warned the lady.
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I love how you included some humor and dialogue among the characters. That's exactly what I meant by showing the reader their personalities.  I suggest you spend some more time describing the fortune teller and what it looks like inside to build that visual for the reader and make them feel like they're right there too.